Don't feel ashamed about that making you feel special. Believe it or not, it's common to want approval, affection and/or respect from our abusers. "Stalking" him online, well, that's you keeping tabs on a guy who did something to you and who could do it to someone else; it's not really that wrong (if it even is in the slightest). Trust you instinct and trust your memories. Talk this through with your therapist as much as you can to get it all on the table. I think they'll have better advice for you. Hang in there Avaray, be kind to yourself.