Wow! It is so helpful to know how many of us are working on this, and how many different forms the word-sabotage takes. Also enlightening are the speculations about how these negative self-descriptions have crept into our thinking.

Yes, I would have to say that the idea that people who take something from others without reciprocating as "sponging" comes from my family. My mother and her closest sister are in the late 70s - 80s -- and they still keep a mental list of what they gave each other!!! "She and Joe bought me all those poinsettia last Christmas -- I better give them a set of crystal. I don't want them to think I'm taking advantage." And "Your mother made that beautifully embroidered polka vest for Joe. You can't even buy that kind of craftsmanship. So we figured we had to buy her at least a Cadillac." Joking, joking. You get the picture, though.

The Sufis are trying to teach me that it's OK to ask for help, and to receive it gracefully (yes, like swallowing rocks!), because giving brings blessings to the giver as well as to the appreciative receiver.

My field of study is language. One of the deep truths of the field is that, socially, we cannot think about a problem to solve it until we can define it -- e.g. -- have words for it. For example -- "date rape" didn't exist when I was young. I realize now that it happened to me -- but all I felt back then was guilt that I had *caused* a "nice young man" to become a monster. There was no other social description than that girls who were raped had "asked for it."

When I signed up for this list, I tried to find a LoginName that didn't describe how I actually felt but something I aspired to. I knew it would be too depressing to logon a few times a day with a self-descriptor that reminded me of how awful I felt. I have a Sufi name that means the Deep Peace, a quality I aspire to. Recently, I've started to think that I might want to change my login from Wants2Fly to Salima, but I guess that would be confusing and weird.

I hope more people will feel moved to contribute about the self-descriptions we use that diminish ourselves. It has been more helpful to me to read this -- from people I know at least a little -- than the examples in Dr. Burns FeelingGood books, bec. those people are only case studies to me, in the end.

Thank you, everyone, for taking the time to reflect about this and to post.