but i can't. he's my only real friend and he's my best friend and i just know i'll be alone and i don't know how to leave him. my social anxiety and depression have gotten really bad, i should sought help, but i didn't. i stopped talking to people i used to talk to.

i've even been pushing my bf away cause i've been so depressed, we just got into another argument cause he thought i was shutting him out. i told him that i still think his mom hates me and thinks i'm the problem. cause that day after his mom and i argued, he was saying something and i kept interrupting him and they both told me to stop talking and shut up. his mom was like "shut up, let him talk," and then she said "i can see why you're always arguing with her" i really do think that this is all my fault still. idk

but then my bf said that she doesn't mind if i'm over here. i just feel like a bother. it's hard not to blame myself, this is my first real relationship with a guy and i just messed everything up. i can't even have normal relationships with people. i've fought with my mom before, i've been really disrespectful towards her, i've cussed at her. and i never payed her rent when i was living there.
and i don't even pay rent right now to my bf's mom. the only thing i usually say to her is "hi" cause i haven't been talking to anyone cause i've been so upset with myself and my social anxiety got much worse and i didn't seek help. i know i'm a mean person, everyone just thinks i'm rude. and even if i'm in a bad environment, i could leave at any time, no one forcing me to stay here. and i should have handled it differently instead of cussing out his mom. she told me to leave, and i'm still here. i don't deserve it. my bf doesn't want me to go live with my mom and i don't either. i get into argument with my mom too, it's not gonna be any better. we've gotten into physcial fights and i've gotten more bruises when i eas living with her than i did when i'm living with my bf. there's no point, i'm just the **** up. my bf said that if i just get another job (i quit my recent job cause i couldn't handle it anymore, all i would do is show up, try to hide and cry where no oned could see me, then clock out) things will be back to normal and i won't have to live with my mom.