You're situation is almost like mine except for the alcoholism. I don't have all the answers but I know what has worked for me. I have been dealing with my wife's depression and bipolar disorder for the last 4 years. My wife is on meds which don't work all the time but refuses counseling. She will tell you there is nothing wrong with her and holds a job in customer service so she can function. Only those close to her know the real person. To best explain it, at home she is like I'm raising a lazy, belligerent 18 year old. We have a 12 year-old daughter that she has not so much as made her a peanut butter sandwich in the past four years. I could go on an on but you want answers.

First realize that your husband has a mental illness and that rationalism and logic don't apply. I'm not saying that in a negative way, that's just a reality. They are good at manipulating us by playing on our sympathies. If we were cold hearted people neither of us would be here. Even though my wife won't go to counseling, my daughter and I have. What opened my eyes was when I was asked if I had heard of enabling. I had not. When I thought I was being a good husband I was just promoting her lifestyle. If she was having a depression episode she could lay in bed all weekend and I would wait on her hand and foot. Why should she change when she can get that kind of service? When she spent too much money and put us in the red, I just juggled finances and went on. A year ago after counseling I drew the line, get help or I'm done. When I stopped being the butler she got off her butt and at least started taking care of herself. With her I can't push her or she vapor locks, so for the past year I have been getting her used to the idea of separation. And here's the interesting part, as long as she only has to take care of herself she does ok. On the rare occasion when she tries to take care of our daughter she has an anger episode. So to be honest I think she will be better off by herself.

So this week she is going to move out. I think she's really going to do it. On my part I would rather go ahead and file for divorce but for some reason that really stresses her out. She wants to move out and be on her own but I think she wants to keep the safety net. I got news for her, I'm done.

The most important thing you have to realize is that they have to admit they have a problem. You would think he would know that from admitting to alcoholism but that's something that any more is sociably acceptable. Admitting to bipolar disorder, not so much. There is nothing you can do to force them to change. And as the councilor pointed out to me, if you separate or divorce you can always change your mind if he gets lined out. And think on this, is this what you want for the rest of your life. Bipolar disorder will not go away and will not get better by itself. It will get worse without treatment.

This next part is hard to do, it was for me. Disassociate yourself from this for a minute. Pretend you are a happily married woman with a wonderful life. Now go back and read your first post. What would you advise this woman to do? Are you asking, "why is she doing this to herself"? "Does she love this guy of does she just feel obligated?" I have friends that are helping me through this and we email back and forth. One day I was on a rant, went back through what I had written and thought good Lord why am I doing this to myself and my daughter? I came up with a exit strategy and just having a plan made me feel better.

I repeat this is what works for me, I'm not a therapist and don't claim to be. I knew if I didn't do something I was going to go down with the ship, like it or not. I gave it my best shot and now it's up to her to do something for herself.