So I'm supposed to go back to the United States in three weeks to see my family for the Thanksgiving holiday. My sister is even flying from Arizona to North Carolina so she can see me to. I should be excited about this trip, but I'm not, I'm dreading it. It will be the first time I see them in person since my suicide attempt and diagnosis. I'll also be seeing my grandmother and Aunts and Uncles and it all just seem so overwhelming. As far as I know my mom and sister are the only ones that know about my MI. I know I'm going to be expected to share how things are in Sweden and how everything has been ect and the thought of it just makes me have a panic attack. Not to mention I'm traveling alone and my meds aren't set in stone yet. We can't seem to find the right antipsychotic.

I also have a bunch of friends who want to see me and have a big dinner and I just don't know that I can do it. I have been sequestering myself in my apartment lately and I'm just not sure I'm up for that much socializing. But I fear I'll upset them because I don't want to tell them what's going on with y mental health and I don't have a good excuse not to get together.

Even writing this post and thinking about the trip is making me nervous and panicky. I don't know what to do.