abuse ************ triggering ************************







Being afraid to be afraid....... what does that mean?

It means... that I am afraid..... of being afraid... the fear so intense.. I never want feel that afraid again.. so I am afraid of "it"... the fear itself..

Curled up in a ball, on the massage table, in the dark, dark closet again.. my heart pounding, my palms sweatie.. I am afraid.. the fear.. like the darkness enclosing me ....... and I want light....

And the massage T, opens the door,, and tells the "Apron Lady, that Susie is a beautiful child.. and she is never to put her in the closet again"..

I feel my poor little hand.. as it touches the iron... the lady in the apron.. saying "see".. you "see" what you get...and omg... it installs such fear in me.. to never ever "feel" that pain again... so I become afraid to be afraid..

and.. the massage T.. says "Apron Lady, do not do that to Susie, she is a beautiful child"....

my hands... my poor little hands... she puts them on the cutting board... and I feel the fear.. the enormous fear.. and she need not cut.. it is enough.. to just put them there.. and the next time... it is enough.. for her to say.... the words..."you know what happens to little girls that do that"

and the massage T says "Susie, is a beautiful child.. go away Apron Lady"..

and then... my poor little hands are put over the boiling pot of water... and I feel the heat.. the steam... and the intense fear becomes ingrained on me.. for a life time... and the next time the Apron Lady.. says "you know what happens to little girls, that don't pick up their toys" I am afraid.. to feel that afraid...

And the massage T says "Susie is a beautiful child.. go away Apron Lady"...

And.... the fear.. has been felt.. and I have finally been comforted.. and protected by someone... an adult.. the massage T... and I am not afraid to be afraid ... any longer...

I am exhausted... the body work.. is exhausting.. and I hurt all over....

I mourn, the child that is so afraid.. to be afraid... I mourn that she never got to be safe.. that she knows such intense, mind reactive fear... that she would do anything to not feel that fear ever again...

I feel for the adult me, that had to suffer.. the pain of burns.. made so much worse.. by a mind conditioned to feel so much pain.. so much fear.. that a minor burn.. feels like a life altering experience...

I feel for the adult.. that would never sleep in the dark.. that left a friends cottage in the middle of the night.. because the friend insisted.. on shutting off all the lights to save on electric.. so misunderstood.. by her friends and family..

I feel for the adult, who accidently poured boiling water.. over her finger.. while making jello... the only food that could be eaten.. with strep throat... she is the one who cried.. and cried... and cried... because.. there was also.. no one to take of her.. when she was so very sick..and the burn.. would not calm down.. intense pain.. all day.. to go along with the fever...

So... how do I now feel??? flatten.... and yet tomorrow.. I hope for.... a day without feeling afraid.. to be afraid...