It has days and times on and off-of course- where I suffer less or more depending on the day/time. At least I have gotten to the point where I am accepting that I really can't do anything especially because it would have terrible consequences for me and it is really not worth it.

I think part of the reason she stopped talking to me was because I unexpectedly told her I was going to overdose after we broke up. Literally the next morning. She thought I was using that to my advantage (I was not; I was really in that much pain). Somewhere in there she told me to leave her alone "forever"....which I thought was just because she was angry at the time.

I have liked and lost before, but I can safely say I had yet to love and lose before her. When we broke up...I forgot how much I love her and acting like an *** and thought us breaking up was the end of the world...despite the fact she offered we could be friends before I made everything worse.

I do see a therapist about it. A big reason I was out of work near two months is because I was getting help with my mental health. It really helped, however, I will need to keep using skills I learned to be okay. And just kind of accept that sometimes I will be sad or suicidal but that it is temporary. It is hard to remember when I'm stuck in emotional mind (as I totally was before and probably during the original post above).

I guess it doesn't matter or help to wonder why she did it. Anger I could understand. Being scared is something I would not understand. I did not threaten her or follow her or any of that stuff. Unless because I wouldn't stop contacting her she thought I would start doing that stuff? Idk...probably won't ever know...although in time this will become much less important to me.

When we first broke up, I very quickly hit the lowest dark hole I had ever been in. It lasted about a month and a half (which is when all 3 suicide attempts took place) before everyone became concerned enough to recommend I go inpatient. I agreed. In fact, I thought I needed it sooner but I was too concerned what everyone would think (my parents mainly). I could not even take care of myself in that way. So, I guess I'm learning now to take
care of myself and as you said "work [myself] out of this hole." It's still a hole even though I can more frequently see the top better than I use to. I'm back at work, starting playing video games, started writing poetry, excercising, etc. But I do get times (usually a couple hours every day) where I get very sad and find it hard to remind myself that I can love myself, not care what other people think, and do things that make me happy...instead of sitting self-loathing, unshowered, unfed, alone, and depressed.