Bear with me as I attempt to outline my story for all of you wonderful people.

I’ve been with my husband for almost twenty years and we have two amazing sons. The problem is that my husband hates me.

We were together for five years before we had our first son and two years after that we had our second one. After our second son was born all hell broke loose and has not let up for a moment, that’s how it feels for me, he will tell you the same, except that I avoid and that I want it “this way.” After our second son was born we chose to have my husband stay home to raise the boys while I went to work because it was going to cost a lot of money for the boys to be in daycare.

SIDE NOTE- I was raised by two meth addicts, who were both physically abusive (amongst other forms of abuse). I was neglected and we were evicted from homes many times over the years, electricity turned off, no water, no phone, garbage piled up in the garage with rats and maggots. You know, the typical Adult Children’s of Alcoholic stuff. My father couldn’t hold down a job. Later on in life he was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, makes sense to me now. My upbringing doesn’t affect me like it did in my early years but the affects of it / lack of skills (lack of communication, emotional detachment, manipulation, lies, anxiety, etc…) continues to effect my relationship with my husband.

Well, I developed postpartum depression or was it, depression, anxiety or was it bi-polar II, PTSD, or BPD, no wait I think it was narcissism. I don’t know. I feel like I’ve run the gambit on diagnosis over the years, I don’t care so much about the diagnosis I just want my life to be better. When I first went in to see my PCP after my second son was born because I thought I had postpartum (felt like running my car off the road into oncoming traffic, etc…) he put me on Prozac (I’ve taken Lamictal, Celexa & Wellbutrin over the years). I started counseling with a woman and it didn’t seem to go anywhere. I don’t know if it went anywhere because I stopped going, my husband appeared upset that I was going and not talking to him about my feelings. This is what my mind tells me. I did develop an emotional affair with a man at work though (my husband blamed it on the Prozac) and when my husband found out he was furious, as he should have been. That moment in time sparked something I cannot seem to get rid of in my life.

That was the first time in my life I felt anxiety, which I remember. My husband was never one to get upset or talk loud. I knew that he had an anger problem because he made sure to tell me how he was with his first wife but once he figured out that he was “an a$$hole” he was able to be a better person. He tells me that once you know that you are what you are, you should be able to stop that and be a better person. Yes you will struggle with thoughts but if you know that you are a jerk, stop being a jerk. If you know you are a lying, manipulative, attention seeking, depressed, anxiety ridden, abusive, cheating person, you stop. Especially if you have been confronted and admitted that you are these things.

I have admitted to all of these things. I contradict myself all the time. I say one thing and do another. I don’t believe that I do this on purpose but maybe I do. When I admit to something that I’ve done wrong or agreed with him that I need to do something a certain way, I will then think that I’m doing what he’s asked. He states that this is why he hates me and believes that I have “thrown our lives and our children’s lives away.” He says I do the things I do because I am evil and I need control over everyone. I manipulate and lie to get what I want. Yes, I get that part because of my childhood I’ve yearned for control and have used manipulation as a survival tool. He says because he’s been a kind, loving man over the years and that he’s never abused me, that I don’t need to do that any longer.

I believe that I’m missing “something.” I’m not sure what it is or how to go about obtaining “it” but it’s not there. When I attempt to talk with my husband about it he says that what I’m missing is a heart.

Thank you for listening to me and I look forward to all the assistance I can get.

PS- I feel shameful for saying this but I’m a clinician for clients with substance abuse problems and mental health struggles.

Have a good day. [/SIZE]