I have recently come to realize I have a great deal of anger about losing my grandmother to Alzheimer's and the five years I spent helping care for her at home. It is anger wrapped up in grief and it isn't directed at anybody. I'm a believer but I don't find myself angry at God. I'm angry at my mother for being cruel to me during those years, but that is separate.

It's like I'm just frustratingly, ragingly angry at the many painful memories I have of what it was like to care for my grandmother, all the pain she suffered, all the hospitalizations, watching her lose control of her mind and body over such a long time. I'm angry at the long years I spent being unable to do anything to stop her pain while she suffered, and angry at being so helpless and even angry at myself a little for being angry in the first place.

I guess I'm really on edge sometimes especially when I have a nightmare about it or when I am put in a situation that's too similar to that time in my life. (She died May 2015). I think I get a little short tempered and it's definitely adding to my anxiety and depression.

I know I don't have to do anything with this anger, and part of me wants to be angry as long as I need to be angry. But I also feel like it would be good to do something outward to express my anger. But since it's not directed at anybody, it's kind of hard to figure out how.

I've thought of ripping up paper, or breaking some cheap dishes, or...I don't know, what's something harmlessly destructive I can do? Something I can tear up or completely destroy that will help me get some of this anger out? There's an element of wanting to destroy to it, I guess my anger feels very big and I need to make a huge mess to show how big it is or it won't feel right. But it should be something that won't be harmful or dangerous. I'm also pretty shy so if I could do it in private without getting anyone's attention, that would be good! (That rules out just screaming till I'm hoarse, although I think that would probably help.)