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... call myself "melodramatic" every time I acknowledge my pain, my problems, or my history. If I tell somebody that I hurt, I automatically tell myself inside that I have no right or reason to, and that I'm just trying to get attention or that I feed off of being a victim ...I am a drain on the Universe basically, too. Any and every time someone gives to me- even just kind words, I automatically feel like I should have guilt for that..
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I got told that kind of crap so much, so hard, and so often, for so LONG, that like you, I came to believe it was "truth" and "reality". UNLIKE you, however, instead of fighting against it or even "listening to it" go on constantly inside my head as self-talk, etc., I internalized it completely, and developed the same kind of "uber-self-sufficiency" that someone else here described in their post.
Reading this here about you makes me want to reach out and (safe) hug you and once again tell you I'm sincerely sorry that my "venting" comment on that other thread of mine hurt you personally. You certainly don't need any more of that toxin floating around your head, it doesn't help any. If it helps you understand me any better (not that you're obligated to ov course), I got "anger" and "hurt" mixed up really bad as a little kid because making myself get good & mad was the only way I could protect myself against crying which got me such a rash of ***** all the time from everyone -- I was very emotionally sensitive as a child and people made me cry all the time and then ragged on me & cut me down even more over THAT -- so I have a LOT of trouble with expressing pain without it coming out angry and nasty toward others. But I honestly did not mean to hurt you (or anyone else here) on a personal level.
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... I see myself as constantly complaining and whining.
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Me too -- I mean that's how I see MYSELF, not how I see YOU! LOL. Been told that one a lot too. "You're always so NEGATIVE why can't you be POSITIVE?" and all that crap. Again, goes back to when I was little. It's a method of c*ntr*l for them (auth*ritarians & ab*sers) -- if they can shame-flood you every time you have a need or want of your own, and especially every time you don't like what they are doing to you, then they can "shut you up" or at least deflect the issue so that it's YOUR problem, not theirs. It's all part of that double standard they like to wield -- you know -- what I call (for me) the "when do I get to be one of the OTHERS" thing. As in this: you are supposed to "take responsibility" for how you affect others -- but then you are supposed to "take responsibility" for how you presumably "let" (a bunch of bull, that word) others affect YOU -- and I want to know when do *I* get to be one of those blessed "others" so someone ELSE has to do the HARD WORK for a change!!!
They like to peddle this crap in a ton of different forms but they all boil down to the same thing: blaming YOU for EVERYTHING, including things you have no control over that don't even originate inside yourself. And I suspect they peddle it because someone crushed them out with it when they were little, and that's all they know how to do, that's what poison they imbibed as "reality" in their lives.
Anyway ... gotta shut up now before I get worked up. I already had dreams this morning while asleep that made me MAD!
