I am new to this forum, but I read your posts and I can relate to how you must be feeling. However, I give you credit for at least being able to keep a job. I had to quit mine one year ago and now I await hearing date for my disability. That makes me feel so inadequate and as my husband points out, unproductive person. I have bp 1, but mostly depressed. It alternates between depression and hypomania and even in mixed states with rapid cycling my pdoc says. He said this is the most difficult to treat due to the nature of the illness. I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I can't offer you what I don't see. I am most probably in a hypomanic state now with depression on the side. They say not to give up so I try not to but I have had numerous psy hospitalizations in just the past two years, it's been around 6 and an additional 4 or 5 due to panic and anxiety attacks. I hope that things do get better for you as it will give me hope as well.