Malady,

*hugs* If you want them.

After I replied to your thread, I talked with my therapist about it, and she helped me to see that your pain was probably where your words were coming from.

**This part might TRIGGER some who have been emotionally abused***

She also helped me to see where, in my past, I have reacted similarly to my own siblings. For similar reasons to yours. I wasn't allowed to have anger either, though. I got hit more when I got angry. My dad tried to provoke anger in me (by harassing me and saying mean things) because he thought it was funny when I got mad, but if I did get mad, I got, first: laughed at, then: punished. I was supposed to play pretend like everything was ok, so I kept everything inside of me and directed all my anger inside, at myself. That's where my negative self-talk seems to come from. I also felt anger at my siblings because they acted out instead of playing pretend. I was super-functioning. No one would ever have guessed from looking at me that there were any problems at home, and I was proud of that. But my siblings made it pretty obvious that there were serious problems. I wanted my pain to be seen so much, but I felt like it was bad for me to show it. So I felt intensely angry at my siblings for showing their pain, although I didn't often show it. Anyway, point being, I think I can sorta understand where you are coming from.

This is a place where you don't have to be mad to be recognized or validated. You can be sad here, Mal. We will accept and support you in that. I think it would probably do you a lot of good, too. Just to be sad. You can speak up and say "hey I need help" and you'll get it, without having to attack anyone else's ways of asking for help. Just saying that YOU need it is enough. You will get cared for here.

I know your start here was a bit rocky, because of the holidays. Nobody has been posting much, and you have felt unheard. But hang in there with us, ok? Give us a chance.

There are no hard feelings against you here. What you said hurt, yes, and that's why I told you that. But I don't hold grudges at all and that's why I started a thread for your birthday. Just want you to know, I'm here for you ok? I think we'll be good friends

Angela