Thanks, all...I'm trying to find an alternative to comfort in the bottom of a wine bottle. T says don't be too hasty, until we build up some things to replace it. I think he's worried that what I replace it with (or stopping without something in its place) be more destructive.

I always used to fantasize as a way to comfort myself, from childhood, way into adulthood, I guess as a way to have 'safe' nurturing. I quit cold turkey when my fantasies about ex T sort of came true. Not the physical aspects, but emotional...and how far she got involved in my life.

It was awful - not what I had intended at all.

It used to be the only way I could sleep. I would imagine somebody kind and gentle and in-agenda'd tucking me in and watching me sleep. Or me being hurt and being cared for.

I don't know whether I should let myself just fall into the fantasies: I get a bit obsessive and isolated and caught up more in my own head than reality, and that scares me a bit. I do find fantasy-people much safer and more tolerable than the way they are in real life.

I guess it's a form of control. It's weird it's showing up again now, after so long..