Black is how I feel
Black is my life
black engulfs me
eats me up, swallows me.
I offered my daughter a lift to college last night
this morning the bus didn't come, I'm having a bad day
she said she would stay at her b/f tonight if I didn't want to give her a lift - because I am having a bad day, she is going to the movies with her dad tonight, I said stay at Joes, she said no, it's my house too??????Is it me??????? I ended up just blowing my top, she called me an ***, I told her not to disrespect me like that - Her dad was exremely aggressive towards us all at the weekend cos he has a cold.... ahhhh shame...... she left sobbing because he was so nasty. Now he is making it up to her, they stick together like glue, I get it in the neck. My son had a strop this morning because his lunch box wouldn't fit into his school bag - he is 15 - pathetic - I'm going to be a point scoring, obnoxious, unfeeling, aggressive mother and see if I get the respect he does husband) from now on. Seems the nastier he is, the more they try and impress him, the nicer I am and supportive, I get %#@&#! on. Enough.....I am sick, tired, disillusioned with family life, I have been here for them, loved them, nurtured them, listened to them, all I get is crap back.
I am not as inteligent as them, I sometimes find it hard to put my point across, they all stick together, my husband takes their side in front of them and me and makes me feel like a complete idiot. I have let this happen all my friggin life I AM NOT A DOORMAT.

I dont know how I drove home without killing myself or anyone else thismorning through a busy town and big lorries, then I was speeding slightly along my road and there was a cctv police van almost near my house, so i spose i now have a fine.

how pissed off can one person be in a day. i feel guilty about everything, i want to do nothing today. I woke up to a kitchen that looks like a bombsite. Disrespect, anger, oh what the hell, I just want to leave them all to it. I did my best, always i did my best. If that's not good enough I cant do anymore. I am sick of my life, I am sick of my family i am sick of myself. I have my cpn coming today and i dont know where to start, i'm too tired to even think about what I'm going to say to her, I dont know where to start. I really really want to crawl into bed and stay there til it all goes away. I cant cope with anything else. I cant even cope with breathing. I cant cope with life. I cant cope with no parents. i CANT cope knowing I was never wanted or loved by my parents. I cant coe with the abuse memories, dreams, flashbacks. i cant cope with therapy. i cant cope with the house, the animals, ME..

i don't know who I am or who I've been or who i will be. I want to bang me head against a wall til it bleeds and caves in. I want to not be here anymore. i want quiet. i want peace. i want nothing.

who am i?

im not jinny, im not kerry im not anybody. i dont know why i was put o this miserable planet. i hope i never come back, i hope reincarnation is not real.