Well thanks a ton. It does help to know others go through this. Especially with the kids. I also grew up in a household that never talked about stuff like this. In fact.. I grew up with so much praise (I was the favorite and could do no wrong)... that I feel like that has actually been a handicap. And now that I know my Dad is almost definitely bipolar... I wish he would've known about it or sought help so that he could understand what I've been going through.. and at least tell what to expect. That is the one saving grace for me if my kids do inherit the trials and tribulations of me... I can guide them and encourage what can be the beautiful side of my disorder.
Anyway.... Thanks a lot for this thoughtful note...
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Originally Posted by NoIdeaWhatToDo
Call your T. Talk this through. I have those feelings ALL THE TIME when I'm depressed - that it would be so much better for my husband and kids if they didn't have to deal with me. I fantasize constantly in that state about disappearing - wandering off somewhere and living anonymously elsewhere where I can't hurt anyone and no one knows me well enough to invest any time/emotion into me. It passes when the depression does - I can tell when I'm out of the depression that those thoughts are the BP poison trying to wreak havoc on me. But that doesn't make it any less real when I'm in the middle of it all. Talking does help me, though - even just posting here about it helps me, so keep doing that if it gives you some relief.
For your daughter, I will say that my son just turned 7. Several months back, he was having rageful fits that really troubled me. The things he said/did during the fits were worrisome, but more so what he would say/do afterwards scared me for him. I got him in with a T that does sand tray and art therapy with him. We've only been going for a month, but it's helped. I'm worried, like you are, that these are the initial signs of this genetic curse I've passed on to him. (My husband has also mentioned being nervous about that.) But if that's the case, there's nothing I can do except try to help him navigate his way and let him know that I understand, support and love him. No one in my family ever looked closely at the causes of my outbursts growing up, and we didn't talk about anything 'negative' ever. I think that did me a great disservice. I'm trying to reverse that trend with my own child now - and I have hope that IF he has BP, I can help him more than I was helped when young.
Keep posting here, if it's helpful to you. Call your care provider. And don't be afraid to be open with your wife about how you're feeling. Make sure she knows that you're worried about her, too, and the immense grief she is under. Let her know if you're seeking help for what's going on with you, so that she doesn't feel like the weight of that is on her, also. You can make it through this.  |
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