Sorry if this has (probably) been posted about a lot before.

I wanted to see if any of you had any input on ECT (electroconvulsive therapy). I've only considered it once a while back while I was doing terribly, but I've been just kind of thinking about it again.

I feel like I'm pretty bad right now but probably not bad enough for ECT. I've been really struggling (more than usual) for months, and especially the past few months have just been up and down but pretty bad. I worked for a couple of months, have been unemployed over a month now, and have been trying to push myself to get a job but feeling doubtful I can really manage it.

But I'm kinda worried that I've just been not realizing just how badly I'm doing, too. I feel like this time around, part of how I've made things less painful and at least seemingly better is by just letting myself avoid things, focusing on the hope that someday things will get better, though that "some day" keeps being pushed out longer and becoming more uncertain. It scares me to realize how much time is just passing and passing while I sit here trying to stay in my own little bubble of denial. Still, I feel like it's not the worst depression. I get out of bed (though with trouble pretty much every day and sometimes sleeping til the afternoon + horrible insomnia), I don't have a ton of trouble with showering or hygiene, I'm "functioning" in the most basic sense. But I haven't really felt joy or interest in much for months, and I'm worried about just going on like this forever and getting worse, especially with the winter months coming up (though I'm trying to be positive.) My anxiety has reached pretty terrible levels, and I basically only go out when I have to for appointments and a few other times here and there. My confidence is very low, too, but I think I don't even realize how low until the rare times I force myself to really spend time around people. My mental/cognitive decline is also extremely worrying.

I'm definitely scared of ECT and not even sure if it's something I'd want to do. I worry that I'll be one of those people who just feel like it's life ruining and regret it. And especially since I'm not at absolute rock bottom, I'd regret having done it even more if I ended up reacting really badly and didn't "have" to do it. I just keep having it in my mind now, though. I also sorta wonder if I've just gotten the idea in my head now and am just wanting to feel better immediately and rushing into (considering) it.

I've tried a lot of meds though, and there aren't many more options that I have much faith in at all. Going back on Nardil is always a possible (almost) last resort, but I definitely want to avoid that.

Has anyone had any experience with ECT, and how bad were you before you did it? How is it as far as relapse? Is it really worth it, or too risky?