Like, there's no way I can redeem what I've done. I can never, no matter how many people I help, make up for what I've done. People are under the assumption that I'm a good person; I wish they knew how wrong that is. Sure, I'm trying to make up for it but nothing I do will actually matter.
Whether there is a God or isn't, I don't believe I'm going to any sort of "heaven". I think I'm doomed to be miserable throughout. I think I'm always going to wish myself to die but will never do it because I know I deserve this feeling. I know I've had it coming. It's hard to take my own advice and care about myself when I know I don't deserve it.