To most of you this post will make little sense. I posted a thread last night. I'm not entirely sure what I posted and it's been removed for which I'm grateful. I don't think it would even be healthy for me to read what I wrote right now.

I talked with my husband last night and it seems I'm not firing on all pistons right now. I probably never am but last night left like I was in a nightmare I couldn't awaken from. I think I attacked and verbally abused people and I'm so, so very sorry for it. I can't even read through my posts right now because I fear it would do me more harm than good at the moment. I think I slung erroneous accusations out to several people here and for that I'm deeply regretful. It's not you, it's me. Most likely. I'm very confused right nowm but there are no excuses. I'm trying to do better with these things and thought I had a grip.

I thought I was manic but I slept over 8 hours last night. I think this is all PTSD related. I woke up energized and heart is just pumping like crazy and it feels like it's ready for war. I am in a war or sorts....it just happens to be in my mind.

In my past I was gang attacked on several occasions. Brutalized and tormented by groups of friends and strangers. A broken nose and slight disfigurement was the worst of the physical but you wouldn't notice my nose if you just met me, only if you knew me before. I am left with disfigurement of the mind which most people see if given time. This is the worst.....I'm shaking just thinking about how I've been ruined and destroyed in such a vital way. This doesn't excuse my behavior but perhaps it sheds some light. I get paranoid about being attacked.....it just happens and I don't know how to stop it. It's called ideas of reference.

I assure everyone I was not drunk last night.....wish I were because that would make more sense to me than what the reality appears to be.

I am so very sorry for what I may have said to you.....if I hurt you. I'm so very confused about this and hope I can be forgiven. Sorry to any mods who had to deal with my mess....just very, very sorry.