Thanks, all, those are great ideas. I just can't seem to 'feel' the comfort from the things that should work. It all just feels like going through the motions...

Also, here's something I realised as I was reading through your suggestions. 6)36;3 all things that I have to do for/to myself. What I really, really want (and I know how infantile and unrealistic this sounds) is to have somebody do those things for me. I know I am an adult, and it's my job to take care of myself, but honestly? I just want somebody to take me in their arms and hold me and care for me.

I did talk to T yesterday and finally told him that the only comfort I could think of was to be held by him. Actually, I said I wanted to hug him. But I meant, be held by him.

I told him I don't want to actually do that, just the idea of it felt comforting. And scary all at the same time. I am so conflicted about this - I was so exploited by a past T who made my 'wishes' come true, used me for her own ends, and utterly turned my dependency into something that fed HER needs.

This is scary territory...