It was a really hard, intense thing to do because of what happened the last time I voiced needs to a T...she basically took them literally and it was very destructive (for both of us).

Bringing it up with him felt incredibly risky. It took me a about 15 minutes form the time I told him I had something I needed to talk about, and I did a lot of crying first.

I told him I was afraid to say what it was, and I would feel safer if some one else was in the room. I just had it in my head that nobody was watching, and he could do anything to me and nobody would know. He must have wondered what the heck I was going to say...but he was very calm and understanding and didnt push me at all.

In the end I just took a deep breath and told him first off, that I really didn't want this to happen in reality and I needed him to be very clear about that. But that I had this urge to hug him. That I was trying all these other ways to get comfort, but that was all I wanted (in my head - I couldn't haven been more clear about that.)

And that I was looking for ways to find that feeling somewhere more appropriate, but nothing was working. And how gutted I was to be having this urge about him, because I never feel like that about 'safe' people, so me feeling that way meant he must be unsafe after all.

Poor him! But I did it. He was very calm and very accepting. He really didn't offer me any solutions. Just said he understood and it was OK. I told him not to bother with the whole 'I would never do that to you' or 'I know myself well enough to know I would
never...' because I had heard it all before and I wouldn't believe it. He did said he was very clear that 'that wouldn't happen in this space' and I made him add that it wouldn't happen in this space or anywhere.

I don't know if or how he can help me, but he's my best shot for now. I do feel so desperate about all this. These feelings are so old, as you said, mostlylurking, and unable to be safely fulfilled at this point in my life.