I'm sorry your mind continues to linger in such dark places. You have overcome so much. Do we lose our faith because we have lost hope? Or have we lost hope because we are to stubborn to believe? I wonder. I lost my faith a while back and no longer feel conflicted inside about it. That comes with time. I do not know if that is a good thing or not. I do keep quiet about it when I am among believers (like my mother in law). I don't want to worry her and I am happy that her faith gives her so much peace and happiness. I respect believer's who have a true faith by practicing charity, kindness, patience, etc. I am sure believers struggle with doubts as well. I think it's part of the human condition. And I think that your internal conflict about your faith is magnified by your overactive mind. But I do appreciate the sentiment. I can relate.