Quote:
Originally Posted by monalisasmile
I can understand some of your fears around telling. I have never told my t who my abuser is because I know she is obliged to report him and that she would like nothing better than to report him.
Yes and if your dad is a psychopath, I don't doubt this for a second he will use all of him charm to manipulate anyone you report him too. It probably feels like you are stuck in a hopeless place, would you agree? You said your life wouldn't be worth living if no one believed you if you reported him, but is it worth living now if he can snatch you off the street?
Is there a way you can fight him yourself without reporting just yet. I wonder if you want to report this? Are you ready for this right now? I ask because in my experience reporting can do a lot more harm than good and often leaves the victim feeling more hopeless and abused.
It's hard to have any spirit left after being abused but could you muster up a little to see how you want to fight this, what feels right for you now?
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My T knows my dad is responsible for the past abuse, but like you said, if I tell her now, she'll report him. I know what she thinks of my dad and I think she's just waiting for me to give her the green light to go ahead.
Hopeless, helpless, powerless - that's how it feels. Like this situation is black and white and I'm stuck in the grey area alone.
The way I feel right now, and as I stand, I'm not ready to end it. Since I left home there has been this silent war, one that only we know about. 10 years of having my 'freedom' but in reality I'm still his victim. I am so tired and frustrated with myself, I'm angry I don't have the strength to walk into a police station and tell them the truth. I'm ashamed at 25 I still feel like a 10 year old.
I have always fought him internally. When he says things I know aren't true, on the outside I'm nodding and agreeing, on the inside I'm waging a verbal war against him. I have phone records and have some physical evidence I've taken pictures of last night. But like you said, I don't have a lot of fight in me right now. Not enough to fight him in the court system.
What I feel is right for me now is not something I'm proud of. I'm playing a waiting game. Wait until I can't wait anymore. I have to be more scared of my dad and what he's capable of now, than I am of the consequences of telling my T / the police. The things he does, he's been doing since I was very young, I don't want to say I'm used to it as such, but I can cope with it. I have no idea how I'd cope with the fallout of pressing charges. I'm not ready to report it, I'm not ready to do a lot about it, but I can't keep it in anymore. Being here is the first step for me, this time history won't repeat itself. I might take a bit longer to open up this time (school counsellor Vs telling T) but I'll do it right this time. I hope.
