I've given up trying to explain it. I say schizophrenic because schizoaffective isn't so known... but schizophrenic brings up a ton of misconceptions that are so entrenched that they really can't be explained away. For me my hallucinations are auditory and I completely recognize them as just that... it's like a whole separate conversation or dialogue that I have proceeding in my head. If no one is around I talk back out loud at times. And people seem to understand that - they seem to accept that part. Only professionals and my wife (because of the endless conversations we've had about it) can understand that hearing things is just part of it - that there is feeling to it - raw emotion. That sometimes, usually even, the hallucinations have claws and teeth and best described as evil. They know all of my weaknesses and rip and tear at them. The tension I carry from it causes physical pain - I'm always sore from being tensed in anxiety.
Here's the really weird part. I thought that these were just normal thoughts, that everyone had an "inner critic." It started mild in me and then started to grow in recent years and I started to recognize it as not right. It wasn't until I asked my wife "what do your thoughts sound like?" that the thoughts started to connect and then I could really talk to the therapist about it.
I am sooo much better with medication - the dial is turned down on them, but the switch is most definitely not turned off. But it's also like my creativity is turned down too, and my passions have been turned down. My fear is still the same. Like you, in many ways I miss the unmedicated me. It feels like I'm missing some of the parts to how I think. As much as I hate The Dragon I feel a little less complete with it turned down. Maybe I'll adjust mentally to it, relearn to be me.
I'm sure some on this forum can understand what I'm saying... and since we're all schizophrenically unique... others won't.
Bottom line though - I'm trying to accept the fact that others that don't have schizophrenia can't understand what my auditory hallucinations are like. It's also a mystery to me when my wife described what her thoughts sound like. We can't understand how each other think. What is really neat is that it's possible to just accept that fact.