Here's my best shot at a kick to your pants: if you can't pull your act together and find an appropriate date in the next four months, I pledge to fly 5000 miles to Jersey to attend the wedding as your batsh-t bipolar date of identical gender. I'll cross-dress as Courtney Love and spread in casual conversation the wildest disinformation that your friends have ever heard, and that's before I get drunk. I'll turn back the destigmatization of mental illness in the Northeast by an entire generation, and I'll probably get my butt kicked. Better hit the gym, brother, 'cause I'm not bluffing.