Iscariot! Evidence has recently emerged in my wife's speech patterns that strongly suggest that my adopted worldview detailed in my disclaimer below is beginning to rub off on her.

When I confessed this tragic fact to one of our closest friends and strategic business partners, he announced the urgent need for an immediate intervention in the form of an 'Underground Railroad' via which my wife and her mother could begin a new and rewarding life in Japan, safely insulated from my pessimism, desensitization, sarcasm and fatalism, leaving me to fend for myself in Honolulu with our blind dog.

He knew in what neighborhood of what city they would live, exactly what business they could start in order to sustain themselves, and specific people whom they could employ, do business and partner with. His plan was complex, obviously premeditated, comprised of many moving parts, and, as far as I could tell, flawless. He went as far as to ask if my wife had a current passport.

My only survival strategy upon the abrupt disappearance of my family and the subsequent dissolution of our family business would be to pimp our house on Airbnb or rent individual bedrooms into the student housing crisis of UH Manoa, which is within walking distance. My "friend" even suggested an ingenious way of maximizing my occupancy by taking up residence inside a vestigial hallway between bedrooms that has access to a bathroom. His plot's Achilles' heel is that neither my wife nor my mother have any desire to live in Japan.

Be certain that I'll be exacting revenge for the mere suggestion of a betrayal of such magnitude, a dish that I will serve cold. I told him to expect me.