Jman--This forum is for people like you. Everyone understands. I don't think you wrote anything that will be deleted or banned. It is OK to feel the way you do. It's good that you are reaching out. Please keep hanging on! I really like this link when I have SI:

How To Help Yourself Get Through Depression on a Day-To-Day Basis

Say what you want. That is what anonymity is for. When you are ready, sometimes it helps to talk about the ways you feel like you fell short. When you are upset and find you have written (exposed) to much--they will even delete the posts if you request it. We all fall short. Everyone has a breaking point. We all are human. I hope you can get some relief from the crap going on in your mind. Many understand. I am sorry you are suffering so much!