I am 21 now and Im medicated such that I am stable. I have been in PHPs and inpatient but now I am doing ok. I have a great job and just got a promotion. I have to put this all behind me and take my pills and it can all be over.
Until - wham! The littlest thing hits and you're not.
I really have been doing ok but then I found out a few days ago that I had to have my first pap smear. and I asked to postpone it to bring a friend with me but there is a super high likely hood she wont show. Its in two or three weeks but my anxiety is getting so high. I am having trouble sleeping and am jittery. I am more volatile and defensive.
I know, with my past, that there will be little to no difference with how I react to this than how I act to an assault. And my family denies any of that even happened so I cant go to them for support. And I cant go to like anyone else because I cant have my parents finding out.
I havent been cutting for like 6+ months. I have been stable. I have been functioning. Not great, but ok. And I am so scared that this will just spiral me as it already has begun to. And I cant get the words out in counseling. I am embarrassed and ashamed. I feel so many things. She may not judge me but I am judging myself and I want those words buried deep down and far away.

My supports are like tooth picks and they come in and out like the tide. Im struggling. I dont want to admit it. I dont want to tell anyone. But I am scared. I have built so many amazing things up in my life and I dont want to sabotage it all and ruin what I have done....