Read with care......................

Here I sit at 2:00 a.m. in the morning with fear filling my heart and tears filling my eyes. No one is up but me and my emotions are running away right now. This is where I hide and no one knows what is deep within as we keep this hid. The darkness of my mind is as dark as my heart, and as the outside. The cold air coming through the window sends chills through me just as in days gone by. Days that I cannot seem to shut off no matter how hard I try.

It was halloween night when I was just 5 years old. I remember the trip to the old church late. Being carried out to the van after we had already gone to bed, getting candy was over and it was rainy with fallen leaves on the ground. The ceremony took place with mama and the others up front. As we sat back in the old pews, I was scared as the big windows were only showing the empty trees blowing and leaves falling.

I went down front to find mama and she was on the floor covered in a blanket, and crying out in a voice that scared me. The man in the black robe took me and placed his hands on me and tried to get me to speak like that but I could not. I was taken down to a small room in the basement and prepared for what would be a ceremony that would take place that night. A lady I knew prepared me and it hurt.

I was brought out after being given what I was told was koolaide, but I could not move and felt I could not get away. I wanted my mama but she was among the others and I was taken up with Carol behind the altar. The sacrifice was brought with a piercing cry. Within I could not stay, I had to leave to go away to the ceiling. I left her there alone with little rose to do what I could not do. Even in my 5 year old self, I had already learned to escape the terror before me.

Her little hands were wrapped around the knife and through the chanting and words spoken, the knife came down and the piercing scream went silent. As I came back to myself and I was terrified, I did not cry out as I knew that was not allowed. I dare not tell what happened next as it is too much for even myself to say, and it terrifies me to let anyone know.

Her little body was placed in a wooden box, and carried out to the place of the dead out back behind the church where there was a fire. He placed her in the dug grave and I was placed down in the ground with the wooden box. He got down in the hole with me and hurt me on top of the box. I was terrified as I knew I was not to get dirty and I did not want to be there.

When he was done, he got up out of the hole and laughing, he peed on us. We were crying and afraid, 5 years old and I could not get out. Then they shoveled the dirt on top of me. It kept coming and filling over me. It was getting heavy and I was told to lay still. That it was my fault and that this is what would happen to little girls if they ever told anyone.

The dirt covered me and I could not breath. I do not know how long I was there, but Carol got me out. Being buried alive I was so scared. Tears filled my eyes, but I tried to hide it. I hurt and there was no mama or daddy to go to. They did not care, they were there. I was theirs, and had been married to satan a little over a month before, Sept. 17th. My little life was only beginning. Many years would pass before I would do what was ultimate for them.

Darkness fills my heart once again and tears stream down my face as I cry for that little 5 year old for the first time. She was only trying to survive what could not be survived. The others came over the years to get me through what I went through. And as I sit here searching my heart for a way to let this go, I am so afraid once again. For weeks now, I have felt this building within once again. I have felt those who are inside cry and feel lost.

Even today, I cannot get dirty or feel dirt, or go to a cemetery. I do not want to go in the ground. Fear overtakes me everywhere I look. My heart cries out for that little 5 year old who knows no better than to be afraid. She was never allowed to cry--never. And even today, I get afraid at times to cry--anyone inside. How do I let this go--do I dare hit the send button??

The leaves blow off the trees and hit the ground. The rain comes down and they are smashed together and seem to make a trail like the leaves that made a trail to the place of the dead. I sit and my mind just leaves me going back to a time when being a little girl was not allowed and where being able to talk now is impossible as I am scared to death to let go and let anyone inside.

Feeling like that little girl still through so many, I wonder if I make any sense. I feel so small most days, yet I have to perform as an adult. It is very hard as I never grew. Being an adult somedays is questionable at best. But being a child is too scary to think of. Feelings of wanting to run hit me and somedays it is all I can do to keep myself to stay.

The Woods

Green leaves turning from color to brown
As they fall to their death upon the ground-
needing water-nourishment to survive
But falling from branches can't stay alive.
Weeping is heard as leaves hit the ground
Crunchng together-their dying sound-
The frost arrives, chilling to the bone
The barren tree now stands alone.

Temperatures drop and coldness arrives
The snap of twigs as branches die-
No color left as whiteness falls
And fills the woods as the darkness calls.
Limbs unclothed, the blanket stays
Not warming the body--freezing for days-
Branches bend, they sway and crack
From heavy weight, lying on their back.

Soon rains will come, erasing the time
Of frozen icicles that hung up high-
Dripping from branches-like tears from eyes
Hiding the one hidden under lies.
The sun shines its warmth during the day
As the night hides the truth in another way-
Once again the budding of little leaves
The woods full of secrets-the child believes.

The warmth of the day triggers the storms
The trees now covered from leaves that form-
Moon arising as darkness fills the sky
Little ones follow without any whys.
Clouds partly cover the stars above
Deep in the woods there is no love-
Branches sway, children cry
Ambers crack in the night sky.

The days grow short, the nights grow long
The chilly winds once again grow strong-
As green leaves begin to turn once more
The world will change, silent as before.
Leaves fall away can't stay alive
Frost covers the ground, death once more arrives-
Tomorrows come, as todays go
The woods hold secrets, no one knows.

My heart hurts and my insides feel scared. But to finally get it out is something we never thought we could do. I cry and my head hurts from a pressure within. Tonight will be a long night and I fear the night ahead. The shaking has been getting worse over the last several days and I do not want to think yet thoughts are all I have. I am scared but I am trying. Each day I make it, is another they did not get.

camilionwords1truth