p { margin-bottom: 0.25cm; line-height: 120%; } I'm not seeking a diagnosis, I know I can't. I'm just seeking insight, advice, and tips.
I'm a person of a highly limited empathy, sympathy and conscience. I have bits, but little and I also can disregard the little I have. Just ignore it. And if I feel bad for something it usually is when I get caught doing something that would usually be seen as wrong. Not doing something wrong, but being caught doing it. That's mostly what makes me actually feel bad and embarrassed.
Sometimes/often I feel like things aren't real. Like if I didn't do something it wouldn't matter because nothing around is real. I could hurt people and it wouldn't matter because they too aren't real. In those instances it's like I'm cut off from everything and people are just things. More like even less than that.
I am absolutely certain that seeing someone die would not move me, and even less move me to do something. I would if there were others, like you could get into jail if you didn't help and there would be evidence of that. But if there were none I would not. I just wouldn't have the drive. I actually would want to watch it. It seems interesting and even entertaining to me. Like I can see why some would see killing and torturing others as entertaining. I really can understand that. It must be an amazing thrill/rush. And if someone close to me killed for me (like a significant kill) I would see it as the highest compliment and it would make me trust them more
I can actually feel anxiety. Like speaking in front of a crowd. I hate that. Which is weird. And I also can feel fear. And I totally hate it! I feel like it's total weakness.
Another thing about my personality is that I'm missing some emotions. I have never felt anything like friendship for instance. Acquaintances, yes, but never anything like friendship. It's an alien concept for me. I use people. I use them as long as they are useful and entertaining to me. When they cease to be I ditch them. I did it many times and never felt anything. And I want to do it again. I've grown tired of two other people. One is heavy maintenance and the other is, well, he became annoying after he told me one of his books would be published. Yes, I guess I'm jealous, and I kinda hate him for it. Anyway, I'm also imitating people. I copy them when they interact with me, I borrow some of their characteristics. It's automatic. I don't have that much of a personality. And I can play and pretend emotions quite well, and I did a lot in the past. I also guilt-tripped people. My ex was one of them.
I'm full of anger and I'm easily triggered. Someone upsetting me, correcting me, preaching to me,….makes me angry and makes me want to hurt people. And it's often. I've been like this since I was a kid and it never changed. They upset me and I get angry and imagine hurting them. And I totally hate when my anger shows. I see it as a great weakness.
I can learn from experience. Sort of. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't, no matter what.
I do hold myself in high regard. I think I'm smarter and better than most. Sometimes I feel beyond human. Just better. And I do look down upon others a lot. Feeling they are idiots. And I dislike most just because they are human.
I don't have a sex life. It's completely impersonal. I'm a virgin and if I ever had sex I could never see it as anything bonding or even as love. That seems completely ridiculous to me, even pathetic. Yes, I think those people who see it as such as pathetic. And I'm actually asexual with zero drive, or at least very little. Sometimes I feel like doing something sexual, but then dismiss it. And a lot of stuff with sex and people seems simply pathetic to me. And yea, it's one of the things I feel like I'm beyond, outgrown, am better than others.
I can and do love. I know that. I already made that experience. I was in love and in a romantic relationship. But my love is different from 'usual' people, or what people call 'normal'. Mine is more possessive, prying (Like I wanted to know what they did in detail), more) intense. I'd go to great lengths for that person, to almost any, if not to any. I really would. And it was too much for that person, as it would be for many. And personally I found their love as insufficient. What I want is what I give. Possessive and very intense and passionate love that would go to great/any lengths for me as I would for them. That is what I want. But I'm very poor at relationships and it does sometimes make me feel lonely.
I completely hate taking/making phone calls. I completely hate having to talk to someone. I try to do all I can to avoid them.
It also takes me a log time to get used to new places, situations and people.
Who am I? What am I?
I have zero life plan. If I ever tried any, I failed all. Any I do I fail. So I have none at all. And I also have zero motivation to do things. Like why would I want to succeed in this disgusting world. Yup, I find it disgusting. My caring for almost anything is zero now.
Sometimes I think that I'll either end doing something bad or die. Positive, right? Does anyone feel the same? How do you deal with it and how do you keep moving forward? How do you make yourself want to do things? How to get comfy with things? I tried to work with psychologists, but it didn't go well. And I don't really tell them anything if I talk to them face to face. Often I actually lied.