Hello Z-Doll: The only way you're going to heal is to reach out for the help you need... perhaps to your family doctor, to a psychiatrist or a mental health therapist or counselor. It's time...
Welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks!

I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.
PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become.

Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!