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Originally Posted by Gaj1983
Hi, and thanks for reading this!
I am supposed to be getting married in 2 months, and I just don't know if it's the right thing for us to do.
He really wants to get married, and has for a few months, but I feel like it's mostly because his family wants him to.
We've been together for a year now, and he is a really lovely and loyal person, and I love him for that. But he is always talking about wanting to move, and I have a business that is growing where we live now. I would lose everything if we just up and moved, just because he thinks it might be better somewhere else!
I get the feeling that he really doesn't know what he wants to be doing (except for getting married. That seems to be an absolute must). I mean, I understand wanting to be growing as a person and all that, but he just seems to have half cocked ideas about stuff. He doesn't know if he wants kids, but if we do have them, they have to be raised in a religious setting (I'm completely not religious, and he knows this). I don't want to have kids unless he gets a really good job (we both do freelance work right now, which works fine as long as there is no one that needs support).
He also has this idea that if we move to Europe, that everything would magically be better. Call me crazy, but I would only ever want to make a big move like that if one of us actually had a really good job lined up over there!
It just seems to me like we should have some of this stuff worked out before we tie the knot, so to speak. Otherwise, it seems like there would be trouble down the road.
What do you think? Am I just trying to avoid commitment (this is what he thinks), or are these valid points that should be worked out before marriage? I would really like to hear your take on it. I just feel so conflicted!
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I haven't read through all the replies yet so if any of this was already said, I'm sorry for getting here late.
here's what I see
1. A year is way too soon to know if this person is the one you want to be with the rest of your life, but I'm guessing you are thinking this or know this too.
2. His attitude on moving, regardless of whether half cocked or well thought out, it is clear he is not considering YOU in this which is really a bad start for a marriage. If, on top of that he seems to not know where he is going in life, that's just icing on the cake there. With regards to him not considering you and your values and thoughts, he has also made this clear in his ultimatum about kids. Kids are big subject and their upbringing has to be in agreement not choice by one parent. Unless you agree with him on how to raise them at that point, I don't think having children would be fair to them.
3. your thoughts on your fiancé, are clear in how you talk about him. he does not in my mind seem to be someone you're sure of spending your life with at all, there are too many warning flags. You state that he has misconceptions, his ideas are half cocked, and not realistic and these are not about things that are small but life changing choices. Marrying someone that clearly has differing ideas, values and plans is just asking for a life of pain.
A lot of things need to be worked out here and you're very mature in thinking that you should consider them. He may end up not even being someone that you want to spend your life with and at this point I don't think you can know either way for sure.