I'm 19, and a college freshman. I've had anxiety issues my whole life, depression for 6 years, bulimia for 5 years, and though I am not formally diagnosed, I have had symptoms of BPD and AvPD for most of my life. Most of high school was a disaster for me, but things seemed to get a little better senior year. I've been in college for two months now, and I don't think things have ever been worse for me. I have no friends, and feel incapable of connecting with the people around me. I almost never leave my room, in fact, but I can't seem to get any of my work done. I've already had to drop one of my classes because I failed to submit a midterm, and now I'm afraid I'll flunk my other classes because I've missed so many assignments and my attendance has been spotty (we are a small college, so teachers do actually take attendance.) I keep ignoring the problems, even though I know that is what makes them grow bigger and more uncontrollable. I have no idea how to manage what has morphed into a massive pile of missing work. I have been questioning if I should be majoring in what I have chosen, but I don't know what else I could do. I don't think I've ever been really good at anything. I'm not stable or reliable enough for a regular job, and I love telling stories, so I always thought I'd be a writer. But now I think my writing is just mediocre, so I don't know what else to do. I have no marketable skills, and there seems to be no hope for my future. I am not a victim of circumstance. If I change settings or majors or colleges, nothing will change because I am everything that's wrong with me, and I have no idea how to fix it. I've seen therapists in the past, but I always find myself lying to them because I feel like I need to seem okay even when I'm not. In addition, I have kind of an aversion to letting others help me, because I was raised to keep things to myself and take care of everything on my own. There doesn't seem to be a way out for me. These feelings of hopelessness have resulted in a lot of suicidal thoughts. I can't help but think that nothing will ever improve, and that no one in my life is better off for having known me. I feel completely and utterly worthless.