Yesterday's session sucked.

When I got there T asked me what my body langauge said. I had my legs and arms crossed. I told him I was holding myself together.

I told him it had been a difficult time since the last session and that I was afraid things would begin to leak all over because I had not had time to reflect on the last (very hard) session or the events since then.

He directed the conversation toward the practical and proceeded to ask me a gazillion questions about a family situation, telling me he was anxious about it. I told him he drank too much coffee and needed to chill out. When there was finally a moment for me, I began to tell him something and he stopped me and said that we only had five minutes left and he didn't want me to open something up that I couldn't finish.

On the way home I called and left a "blah blah blah, so there!" message. I had hoped he would call back but of course he didn't because I didn't ask him to.

I get the message. I have to stop letting my child out and tell her to grow up and get over it.

It's the mother self who needs to function right now. The mother that I am needs to take care of her family. It's all that matters. I need to be able to advocate for my son.

All I wanted to do last night was cut. I am practically crying in my classroom.

I felt smothered and without voice like I always did as a child. But it's too late.