Dear Pilarina -- Welcome to the forums. I urge you to find a counseling service immediately. This is too much for you to keep bottled up inside of you.

We can support you here, but we are not professionals (except for Dr. John).

If you are in school, there is probably a campus counseling service that you can go to free.

County or city health departments and Family Services of United Way are other resources that are widely available.

You do not have to tell Jon that you are going to counseling. Or, if you have to account for the time, you can say that you are going because you feel stressed out and avoid details.

Best wishes for finding the resources and support you need. Keep coming back to the forums, too.