Thank you, all, it's really nice not to feel alone with this. I am starting to wonder if it's more of a hurt than a need that can be fulfilled. A bit like...I fell a few years ago and did some
damage to a couple of fingers that are now permanently a bit bent and hurt in cold weather. There no fix, the time has passed for that. And nothing really makes them feel better. Somehow i have to just find space for the hurt and be gentle with it and respect it..because it can't be reached or calmed or fixed.

All the grown up ways of soothing or the idea of physical trust just get subverted into something else in my head or become a distraction or are just immensely dissatisfying. I am not sure that the 'fix' for this exists in the real world, or whether it is so long gone, any attempts to get to it just leave me frustrated and longing for something that just doesn't exist any longer. It's also something that is so at odds with my actual life today. Part of me wants to abdicate everything and just be taken care of. But there's a huge price to pay for that. Maybe there's something in the middle?