Today I saw my pdoc and T. When I explained to my pdoc how about 10 days ago I was hit with PTSD stuff and suddenly became homicidal and suicidal and very obsessive with plots and plans it all hit me full force again. Last Tuesday I woke up not thinking about it and instead became obsessed with studying for my exam. A good thing, but I was disordered in my thinking and despite working on it for days I made little progress. My thoughts have been racing, jumping all over the place yet super focused. I felt great but anxious.

But today when the rage and trauma hit me I instantly went mentally dark, while still obsessive. I want to act on my plans now. My doctor said I was hypomanic bordering on manic, as well as grandiose and delusional...plus of course PTSD. He wanted me in hospital but i refused. He kept me talking for an hour and convinced me to go IP to get me off Cybalta and calm me down. The private hospital I go to has a waiting list but he is pushing for Friday admission.

I have an exam tomorrow. The information is in my brain but I don't know how well I will construct two essays in this state of mind. Good thing is I have had great grades so far so I don't even have to pass the exam to pass the unit.

I think I am going mad. I still have a grip on reality but I feel it slipping. Tonight I am safe. Tomorrow I am staying with my parents. It has taken me a long time to write this post as my mind is jumbled and I fall into wild-eyed stares.