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magasanguis said:
At this point, I simply don't want to be her friend anymore. We're pretty much incompatible. But I'm not sure how to help her understand that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. The way she's percieving it now is if I'm not mad, we're best friends. I don't want her out of my life totally, but I could deal without her calling me and saying we should hang out more often.

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So tell her not to call you so often. I did have to smile because you started with "I simply don't want to be her friend anymore." and then went on to "I'm not sure how to help her understand that it doesn't have to be all or nothing." -- sounds like you're pretty conflicted too? You start with a statement of fact, that you don't want to be friends with her anymore but then qualify that all or none statement by saying it isn't all or none. I think you don't want to be friends but also don't want to hurt her, two different things.

Can you tell her you don't want so many calls and then screen your calls so you're not quite so available? I think no matter how gently you disentangle yourself it is not going to be easy for you or her but for different reasons: she's not mature enough to understand and you're going to hurt because you'll see her hurt and take too much of the "blame".

My therapist helped me learn the difference between love and like by asking who I liked and I answered, my husband. She then asked me why I like him and I answered, "because he is warm, fun, and friendly." She then asked me about my stepmother, whom I loved but who was abusive and using the "friend"/like scenario, realized I did not like my stepmother and that was okay. We don't have to hang out with people you don't like, it's our choice. Have to "put up with" people we love sometimes if we don't also like them but can limit our "hanging around" time. I now apply the "warm, fun, and friendly" to everyone I meet/deal with over time :-) friends and family alike.