Thanks. She gave me feedback the session before and I felt that was nice but the next time she brought this up about performance anxiety and that it was because of that I wanted feedback.
I see this as strange as if a boss at work told their employees that you have to find validation within yourself, I wonīt give you any feedback on your work. Everywhere you hear about how important it is to appreciate each other and to bring a kind comment from time to time, how important it is to get feedback.
I donīt see why it should be different within the therapeutic relationship as long as itīs about therapeutic progress which it was in my case. To just dismiss this and to say my need comes from performance anxiety is just to weaken the therapeutic relationship. She isnīt validating the feelings behind it but instead she sees it as some kind of pathology that needs to be fixed.
Of course most clients want to be liked by their T, who wants to bring difficult issues to a person who donīt like them or never show they like them. I think itīs just bs to handle a therapeutic relationship way beyond basic human needs and to pathologize when clients react to cold and dismissive behavior.
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Originally Posted by cinnamon_roll
Sarah, I feel for you. This sounds frustrating and painful.
At the same time I feel Brown Owl has made an important point:
She giving you the feedback you ask for would be the "simple" solution. Makes you feel better in the moment, but doesn't change much in the long run.
Talking about your wish/need for feedback is much more difficult. And it seems that she is not caring about your wish for feedback. But ultimately, this is the work that she thinks needs doing: To take a look at why you have this need to get the feedback, to get external validation for your perceptions/needs/desires/opinions. I know this too well, I struggle with this myself. And I find myself getting quite upset with my T whenever she 'throws' this need/want of mine for an external reference point back at me. Because it seems invalidating at first and it is frustrating. I talked a lot with my T about this, and with time I came to see, that she reacts this way exactly because she cares and is investing in my wellbeing. And by her deflecting my wish and putting the ball back in my court I actually can learn: to find this validation in myself and to not look constantly to her or to some other figure in authority.
I don't know whether this makes any sense to you in your situation. Maybe this is an option for you to try and frame this differently: Your T is giving you an opportunity to grow, to explore your needs instead of just giving you what you are asking for?
Because, ultimately, your T could do all that you are asking for and more. And you might still be doubting her, doubting your relationship and questioning the therapy process as a whole...
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