i literally have those same thoughts. i can relate to this so much. there's so many times, i mean numerous times where i've pushed away people cause i was afraid they wouldn't like me or judge me cause i wasn't as "smart" as them, or i couldn't do things as fast as them. and a lot of times, i don't want people to figure it out, i'm scared of being judged. i think about the times where people have judged me and i just go "nope" they're not gonna even get close to me to even figure it out. i've screwed myself so hard cause of this. i wish i could give advice cause i would love to help. all i can say is that you're definitely not alone.