sine my mother's death, the conflicting feelings are still having a party.
I told T today that when we spoke last session about how I don't know what I can keep of my mother -emotionally - and T said "you can keep what you want!"
I replied "but it's got to be real!" As the relationship with my mother was me always wanting what she could never give, and me having to settle with a fantasy relationship, I don't want that now.
It brought to mind a memory I have a a young child of me getting to cuddle up to my teddy bear anf me deciding that wasn't real, so I threw it on the floor.
T said how children use the relationship of them and the mother and that enables them to become attached to a piece of cloth or teddy bear. I laughed at that point and said, we'll that explains why I threw it in the floor.
T said, yes, your mother snatched everything away from you.
T said, sometimes you try to throw me /us/this away.
I said, well at the moment I want real and this isn't is it?!
T said, oh I think this is more real than a lot of other relationships we have.
I had to force myself not to smile at her. She was right. I think we can get caught up in what's real and what's not in therapy.
She was right. I'm more real with her and her with me than anywhere else. Outside we get caught up in our scripts/dramas/roles.
T said, the relationship with your mother was always this difficult.
I said, I will say, amongst all these feelings, there's a tiny little feeling that I can be me now.
T said, that's huge!