I hope with all of my heart that you know who I am. I hope that you remember my touch as I felt you kick and my voice when I sung you songs at night and talked to you about how wonderful your life would be. But most importantly, I hope you know how much I love you, and how much I wanted you and how I still want you so badly even today that I long to hold you in my arms.

Even though I was so poor and you deserved better, I loved buying clothing for you. I bought things even for when you were bigger, so I could imagine you in them and me taking you to get your photo taken, with your chubby legs as a toddler. I bought you shoes because I saw you as a person from the very moment I knew you would exist, and a person needs shoes. I practiced carrying your carseat around, as you know, and imagined you in it, a tiny bundle of love fast asleep or crying for me to hold you and then I imagined sweeping you up into my arms when I heard these cries, where at last you would be secure.

You were the greatest gift anyone on Earth could have ever thought to give me. All of a sudden I wasn't just me, the person who always failed and always let herself and the world down, but I belonged to you. My whole life did. And I want to tell you now, that none of that has changed. Not a single thing. I still belong to you. My life still is lived and every breath I take I dedicate to your name.

I now look at all those dreams I had, how I planned for you and I guess life never goes as planned. But I know that you were too good for this world. You will never know the pain of a scraped knee, a broken bone or a broken heart. You will never want for anything nor have to suffer a second of hunger. You will never cry a single tear of unhappiness. But I'm selfish, which you will never understand, because you have given me life. I'm selfish and I want you here with me. I want to be the one to bandage your scrapes and kiss your boo-boos and rock you to sleep when you cry. I'm selfish.

And I'm sorry for being so selfish. I know that you are at peace forever and I don't cry these tears for you. I cry them for me, because I wish that people I pass by could see you and I could let the world know how beautiful you are through your laughter. I want to take you to the park and chase after you. I wish I could post photos of you on social media and have people comment on how big you've grown. I guess to the outside, that's what being a mother is.

But I know a truth deeper than this, being a mother is something inside, something unbreakable that never dies and lives inside your heart. Because I am your mommy. I am, and always will be. And for selfish reasons, I want you to know that. But for the love I have for you, I know that I must let you fly and live with it everyday that there were better plans for you, you were just too good for life.

I love you my beautiful baby girl, my dream come true.

Mommy