Hi Terry,
Welcome to PC -- I'm glad you found us! I felt like I needed to respond to you because I've been where you are now and it CAN get better. I totally can feel your pain oozing from your words. Depression is very painful. It does tell us lies, as Sky has said. I understand the drinking, but please don't continue with that because it will only make things worse for you.

Baby steps. It's not gonna feel warm and fuzzy all at once. There are resources out there that don't cost money. If you don't know where to start, the local ER is a great place. They can get you hooked up if you tell them the truth about how you feel.

Please continue to post and let us know how you're feeling and, let us support you. You will find lots of wisdom here; a lot of experience, strength and hope.
Best,
Okie