Hello JustMeMyself&I: I'm sorry you are in such a state! Obviously, I have no idea what happened with you that turned you from being a happy person into the one you are today. But I will tell you that depression can be a very comforting place to be.

I'm not a psychologist. So I don't know the technicalities of this. But one aspect of depression is that desire to just sort-of pull your head under the covers & never come out. It can feel sort-of like a warm comfy cocoon. So, from my perspective, no... you don't sound "bad" or "wrong". You're simply struggling with what nearly every one of us who has depression struggles with... maybe all of us! It's SO much more inviting to just disappear into the woodwork, so to speak, than it is to get out there & fight!

The other thing that happens I believe is that, as time passes, pathways get worn into the brain kind-of like ruts in the streets. Your thoughts just keep rumbling down those same old pathways & after a while they can't get out. It's sort-of like cars that can't steer out of those ruts in the streets. The ruts have simply become too deep... too ingrained.

The unfortunate part of all of this is that you are the only person who can heal you. Other people can help. But you have to make the first move. You have to reach out, in real life, for the help you need & take an active roll in the healing process. You can choose not to do that, I guess. You can decide that you simply prefer to remain in that cocoon of depression where it feels safe & warm. That may work as long as you have others who are willing to take care of you & see to your needs. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately... depending on how you look at it) few of us have life situations that allow us to simply live out our lives in warm protective cocoons. I guess the question you have to ask yourself is how long can you stay hidden in that cocoon & what happens when you no longer can? I wish you well...