They're finalizing their decision next week and presenting it to the VP the next. So, by the 18th I'll know. We're a small department and during my interview we talked about the need to reorganize. So all the decisions and getting the OK from the VP sounds plausible. But the retiring manager leaves at year end. Time is running out to turn things over before she goes.

I used to work for the VP, so it's either her or the AVP who are the advocate. That's my guess. For this decision they'd be the one's that matter anyway.

I had a good talk with the AVP yesterday. She said I was important to the department and the big project we're working on. Is worried I wouldn't be happy in management. I was a manager before and quit that because I couldn't be a good manager and a good developer. It wasn't because I didn't like being a manager, in fact I did like it. I just couldn't do both well. That was a bad decision I'll likely regret the rest of my life.

Now that's being held against me. But I wouldn't have applied for the position if I weren't certain it's what I want. It's not like I don't have experience doing it.

To your question about whether I would like it more... I don't know. It will be different and will come with it's own challenges. I feel up to those challenges and I'm doing more things now that allow me to do my daily work and be a manager and be good at both. I do feel like if this doesn't happen now, my hopes of ever doing it in the future are over.

The few people I've talked to about it seem to think I'm the obvious. Some saying they want me to get it. But I'm actually less certain now than just after the interview. I'm more certain that they need me, as the AVP told me that yesterday. She doesn't want me to leave and I'm important to the department. She said I've got more clout in the company than I think I do. And the last couple of days of meetings that seems to be true. They're still involving me in lots of important stuff and inviting me to higher level meetings.

At this point I'm resigned to not getting the job. Now I need to decide about staying or going. I like my department and the people and I want to help them succeed. I'm just having doubts about whether that matters to the decision makers.

I was ready to quit a week or so back, even without knowing, but I'm going to wait it out. I don't want them to reject me as I'd have a really hard time with that, but I need them to say it so I know for certain. I don't want to leave with doubts.

I had a good day today. Doing things I'm good at and helping people. I felt like I mattered and that's all I really want. To go home at the end of the day feeling like anything I do has meaning. I know most of the time it does, I just struggle to accept it.

Thanks hvert! I appreciate you responding.