I'm new to this part of the forum...usually in bipolar. Hi.

two weeks ago i had been doing very well then snap it hit me that most of my struggles in life like illnesses, bad choices in relationships, loss of career and of course the horrible symptoms of ptsd were all because of this one man who sexually abused me for many years as a child. The rage I felt was immense and i suddenly began plotting to destroy him violently through various means including killing myself. all this plotting was very grandiose (as my pdoc said).

few days later i snapped out of it and studied for my exam for a week. then i saw my pdoc and told him what had happened and the rage and plans came back full force. Now I'm in hospital for safety reasons and to change meds. I'm manic but heavily medicated so more coherent. still i am obsessed with plots and plans.

the justice system is screwed so going down that path doesn't feel like an option. i feel trapped like i was as a child. i have this puzzle to solve on what to do with my abuser. have tried to let it go and it worked for a few years but feel i can't now. anyone felt like this before? what can i do? i am not a violent person but my emotions are overwhelming me and manic mind going wild with thoughts of revenge. i have lost so much due to him. trying to live a life that overcomes what he did but failing. I want a life worth living but feel my grand plans will change the world and ruin his life.

what can i do?