I have written full stories about what I "did" to someone who hurt me. For the most part, I can live my life peacefully dealing with flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, nightmares and all the hypervigilance someone 5' 3" can contain. More than that, I have an overwhelming amount of anger that's constantly below the surface of any other emotion I feel. My imagination also gets very violent and creative.
When I was being admitted seven months ago and was given the intake question, "Are you feeling suicidal or homicidal today?"
My answer, without thinking, was, "Yes." Scared the scrubs off that nurse, the way I answered it, without hesitation or any real emotion.
Hopefully a medication readjustment will help bring down your rage a bit because your manic episode is most likely not helping your case. With that said, I get it. This son of a ***** hurt you in one of the worst and most traumatizing ways to hurt anyone. The legal system here sucks, too. That route might as well be a joke and added traumatization; so what's the point in doing the right thing?
Well, you don't want to go to jail because of this asshole. He still has power until you can get past this. Revenge is a powerful desire. Trust me, I want to full on "I Spit on Your Grave" this ****er who did what he did to me. I know I can even find him and all, but I don't.
I'm not him and I'm not a killer. I never want to be.
So, I write about it. Talk about it and rationalize it down to just being vengeful and then letting the feeling pass. It always comes back around not long after it leaves and sometimes I have to repeat the process of "letting it go". Just something to live with until we get better, I guess.
Sorry I'm not helpful with this subject. Maybe someone else will have better advice.
Good luck Wander. I'll be here to PM if you want to vent about the things you wish you could do.