we started the session with me asking if she needed to go over the schedule again because she called me and was not sure if i had surgery yet and how i was doing etc... so we started going over when i would be able to come back and i decided that after next week i will be back dec 8th she went on looking at her book and saying half out loud the week after that im going to need an hour and half for her so , then she got louder and said we will need to meet at 330 or 4 that week to be safe . that made me feel horrible and i hate haveing these feelings of jealousy, of feeling less important then this other client . she has moved my apt a lot like that and i never thought it was do to her wanting to see another client for a longer period . i didnt even know she was willing to have longer sessions . it made me feel like crap .i know this other person might be in a worse place or that i dont need to be all that important to my T etc.. and i understand im probably far from her favorite client . but it still hurts .im so confused by it all . once we got that over with we went on with the session

she started by asking me exactly what is going on with my health . i explained just what they were going to do and how long im going to be in the hospital etc. 2 days in icu sedated and 1 week in the cardiac unit . i told her about how im dealing with the diet restrictions and we were just having a light conversation about all of it .then she said that it seems like im taking all this lightly and wanted to know if i was just putting on a front .. i told her that i was but what was i to do . i cant sleep well i stress about everything ,especially the stuff going on with the mother (not talking to her or telling her about all this )she stressed again how it would not be good for me to contact her . she said that i have come to therapy to make changes in my life and to have her help me with this and that she would not be a good therapist and i wouldnt want her to tell me to go ahead and continue contact with the mother knowing how she hurts me . i have so many thoughts and panics running through my head about the mother .it is horrible .my T thinks i can control these .but i cant .i dont know how .i try to tall her this and she says everyone has control over there thoughts . she thinks when i start to panic about the mother that i can just replace those thoughts with something else.i dont know how . she said i need to realize and see that what i am panicking about isnt and wont happen . i can realize this and replace my thoughts with pleasant ones . god she makes it sound like it is an easy task .she said it takes practice but that i can do it and i dont have to just give in to the horrible thoughts about the mother . i felt like she will never be able to help me with this .like she has no idea how bad it gets . i dont know what to do about that .i get what she is trying to do and say i just dont think i can do what she wants and im so scared this is why she doesnt want to work with me all that much . but then she askes if i could have someone call her after my surgery to let her know how i am doing because she wont be able to call me . it was a kind gesture untill it went through my head that she just wanted to know if i was alive and was she still going to have to see me . then she was talking about booking the room on the first floor for the few weeks after i get back so i dont have to climb the stairs. i hate that idea but she refuses to not do it .it just makes me feel so helpless and a huge bother to her . i told her i dont think i will have a problem with the stairs and that lead to a conversation about my expectations of how i will be doing after surgery and how fast ill recover . she doesnt think im being realistic about that at all . the idea of not being able to take care of myself kills me and sends me into a huge panic. she said me need to come up with a plan of how im going to deal with the anxiety of after surgery and not being able to see her for so much will all that is going on . i didnt know what she wanted from me . what i really wanted was for her to call me and to talk to me and see how im doing .i wanted her to care. to help me deal with feeling so frustrated and helpless. but what came out of my mouth was . i dont know i went with only seeing you once last month and i was ok . she said she knew but that this was an entirely different situation . that i will have a lot going on . it was like she did understand .but that was the end of the conversation .she didnt suggest a phone call and neither did i because i just couldnt be that needy . and as i was handing her the payment for october she reminded me of her policy of payment .if she cancels i do not pay for the session but if i cancel even because im having heart surgery i still have to pay .i said i know and left feeling again like any concern is about her being paid .i dont know why she felt she needed to remind me of that i have always paid for my missed sessions even with weeks notice .anyway it was a confusing session for me .like she cares but im just never going to see it or believe it if you get what i mean . or maybe it is just my wish that she does care and im trying to see it ware there isnt any