Hi I hope this is ok. In t last week she told me how well I'm doing although in fact I'm not really but I hide it all as I don't know how to say all this out loud as I go silent then panic inside and change subject. She always says this at the end so I don't say anything as before she had a go at me for leaving things to the last minute. She then said about going every 3 weeks rather than fortnightly as I'm doing well if I want to. Luckily I managed to say I wanted to stay as it is because I struggle enough in between, another week would be so hard, but didn't tell her that. I told her though that's because I've managed to avoid talking about the hard stuff and maybe I should start. Just saying that made my voice go wobbly and I could feel my heart rate go up. She said ok and something about prepare for it or something like that I'm not sure. As I don't know how much I will actually be able to say out loud I thought if I write notes of stuff I can hand it to her if I'm struggling as she has said when I told her about some writing I've done about my mum I should of brought it in to show her before ripping it up. I've typed the stuff I've written but I'm not sure if it's too much detail and I also worry what she will think of I give her this when she thinks I'm doing well

Age 5 my grandad use to say it should of been me rather than my brother with cancer as boys are more important I'm families. He use to touch me saying I needed to be punished

Age 8 there was a dad at the hospital who use to tale me back to his home telling me he loved me

Age 11 started making myself sick. Only lasted couple of months

Age 12 started self harming, still do it

Age 14 regularly trying to overdose and drinking, went on til I was about 18

Do you think t would be OK with all of this or is it too much. Feeling sick at the thought of someone in real life knowing. I've not told her any of the above