I almost ended up in the hospital today. I probably should have been there. I don't want to trigger anyone though. It all started when my boyfriend did something that betrayed me. I went into rage, nearly harmed myself (and had thoughts of acting out physically towards him), but he held me back physically so that I couldn't make any attempts. I eventually took some deep breaths and left to go home, but I was shaking and have been very erratic ever since. I sped so fast on the way home I thought I was going to crash and was screaming and screaming. It was traumatic for me. I gave so much to him thinking I can trust him.

I took a few benzos to calm down. The whole incident brought up everything bad I've gone through in the past. It hasn't helped that my BP symptoms are not well managed. I plan to call the pdoc ASAP, but tomorrow is Sunday, so she is not in the office. I know this whole incident will have me messed up for a while now. I told him I need space before being able to talk to him, but I know I can't get myself involved with him anymore and subject myself to more pain.