I am so freaking out right now. Smoking like a chimney when I'm supposed to be cutting back. Pacing around. I don't know how the future is going to play out and I hate it. I applied for disability and if I don't get it I have no idea what we're going to. Live here forever?! I want our own place again. My husband is going to have to work seventy hours a week in order for us to make it without me working.

And no. I'm not being a baby about the not being able to work thing. I tried it. I pushed myself too hard, and it ended up complete disaster.

I don't know. I'm just having serious, full fledged freak out!

My doctor put me on a super high dose of vitamin D because my vitamin D levels were pretty much non existent. I feel a million times better, other than being irritable as ****. I did a lot of yard work today. I hate yard work. I hate raking. I wanted to do the entire, massive lawn! Sorry. I know that's a pointless thing to say. I can't sleep either. Last night I was up all ****ing night. It was maddening. I hope I'm able to sleep tonight. But with how worked up I am right now I doubt it. I hate this. This is just sucky. This ****ing sucks. Just FUKK!!!!!!!